Haze

I've probably got half a dozen blog posts started and in various states of done, but I can't seem to get myself to finish any of them. I wish I knew why but I feel kind of hazy, my emotional state is rather out of balance, like a vomit educing roller coaster. I am saying this only because I feel like I need to post something, to prove that I am not dead, and I haven't forgotten about here. Hopefully I will get back on the ball soon.

A Mourning Hymn

A Mourning Hymn


Rest soft O' Earth on those we place in your care.
May these, our beloved and honored dead find rest
Warm gently O' Fire those we place in your care.
May these our beloved and honored dead find comfort
Blow sweetly O' Wind on those we place in your care
May these our beloved and honored dead find clarity
Flow calmly O' Water around those we place in your care
May these our beloved and honored dead find healing.

Mighty Weigher of Hearts, keeper of the scale
Judge them compassionately, for we are all imprefect
Wise Lady of Mourning, giver of healing
Comfort them who have passed, comfort us who mourn
Unseen Lord, Host of Many
Welcome them with open arms, we entrust them to your care now
Mysterious Lady, Keeper of Rebirth
Bring life again to those now gone, that the cycle may continue

Rest soft O' Earth on those we place in your care
That we who are left behind may know peace
Warm gently O' Fire those we place in your care
That we who are left behind may find comfort
Blow sweetly O' Wind on those we have placed in your care
That we who are left behind may find clarity
Flow calmly O' Water around those we place in your care
That we who are left behind may find healing.


(The center of this prayer is a greco-egyptian blend referencing Anpu, Nebt-het, Hades, and Persephone, it could theoretically be replaced with references to the deities and beliefs of the deceased person/persons as needed. I chose these four not just because of my own beliefs but also because they cover various parts of mourning and the afterlife, judgement of the dead, the process of mourning, letting go of the deceased/consigning them to the care of the beyond, and the hope for rebirth (either physical or in some spiritual realm.) I included the last part, to also acknowledge that  mourning and funerals aren't just about those who have passed but the loved ones they leave behind.)


I was inspired to write this out of the rather strange mood I've been in today, I can't really describe the way I feel in words, it's a quiet and peaceful state but maybe just a little sad. I do hope that the next time I write will be sooner rather than later and not in such a weighty and dark vein.

Blessings,

Satiah

A World So Full Of Terror

Tonight I don't really have much specifically of religious import on my mind. I am more concerned about the violence that has sprouted up where I now work and once went to school. I am speaking of the Oakland campus for the University of Pittsburgh. So far as I am aware I have never been in any direct danger from any of it and for that I give thanks. I also pray for those who are not so fortuante, the victims of the WPIC shootings in Febuary. I used to work there and I sat helplessly at work watching it all unfold through the internet, praying for no one to get hurt and more specifically for those who I had known even in passing who might still work there. Sadly that was not the case as there were two dead and seven injured. One among the dead was the shooter and I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I am glad that the police acted with bravery and efficiency in preventing what could have been a total masacre. On the other I want to see him stand trial, to see justice done in a legal setting. Someone willing to throw their life away can do such unspeakable harm if they have no fear of reprisal since they'll be dead.

More recently there have been bomb threats, so many of them. Today alone five buildings have been targeted and needed to be evacuated. As far as I know no bombs have been found during any of the sweeps, but if these were just pranksters they would have been caught by now. There are rumors going around about more sinister fears, that maybe they are using the evacuations to comit theft. Or looking to flush out people in order to start shooting.  I pray every day that who ever is behind this is brought to justice and we can all get some peace and quiet. As quiet as Oakland ever gets.

I listen to the sirens of the police vehichles that drive past. It sends chills down my spine, and I wonder, 'what now?' I am here working, the lone staff member on shift, all night, it is my job to make sure that those who stay here feel safe, feel welcome, feel secure. For them I put on a brave face, and I wonder, 'what could I possibly do if the unthinkable which has been happening quite a lot lately happens here?'

I would be a fool and a liar to say I would act heroicly, that I would save the day and avert the danger. Having never started the imediate looming of death I can't even say that I would face it with dignity and serenity. The things that have been happening lately scare me more than getting stalked ever did. That was a private danger, which since so far as I knew I was the only target, it made it seem smaller, more managable, something that I perhaps could put an end to. Which I did with help, and now I look back and chuckle at my fear. It seems like a lame indie horror film to me now, and while I know why I was so scared then, I feel stronger having gone through it. But that was when the fear was about small dangers, small violences. These days violence looms large, casting a pall over many, and that's something I don't think I can conquer if it comes knocking at my door. If it reaches out to touch me, could I fend off it's grasping claws?

All I can really do is pray, that I will never have to learn the answers to those questions, how I would deal with such grave dangers should they ever come knocking at my door, and that when my time does come regardless of the means that I will face it with the serene dignity from one who knows:

'Life and Death are but two sides of the same coin. No matter which side I am on, the Gods will be there, to guide and teach, bastions of many blessings for both living and dead.'

Some Thoughts

I'm anxiously awaiting some books I ordered off Amazon over a week ago. It was supposed to arrive today but the package has been sitting in a depot stop 45 minutes away for three days. Really I would have gone and gotten it myself and saved them the trouble. (Perhaps I used up my good luck with Teramo in picking that lock.) I don't know why I am so antsy about this package, but I am antsy about a lot of things right now. I'm looking to change several things in my life for the better or so I hope. I think I'm fixating on this small hiccup so I don't worry about bigger things that I don't exactly have a lot of control over. 

I mentioned that I was being tested last time, and I think I'm on the other side and successful. I don't have a lot I can articulate about my experience I am still processing it, but I feel like I've gotten to know the Lady a good bit better. I probably should have mentioned this before but when I mean the Lady I am speaking of a specific goddess and for what ever reason I don't feel comfortable using her name in this blog or even speaking it. It's weird. I can use it when talking about things like a book,a devotional anthology related to her, or when discussing in a more accademic way but when it comes to refering to Her in a religious sense and naming her I get tongue tied. I probably should ask about this.
One of the things I've been concerned with was the concepts of womanhood in a modern pagan context. I haven't had a lot of success in finding discussion on  this topic that didn't in some way relate to marriage, children, or home life in some way. Not that I've tried nearly as hard as I could. I admire these women and their experiences. Sadly my life doesn't fall into any of these categories. I am unwed, childless (unless you count the family cat), and the home I reside in belongs to my parents. At the age of 25 I feel like girlhood is far behind me, and yet I don't quiet feel like a woman. I do have a rough vision of womanhood for myself and what that means for me but it is daunting to me in developing not just a more refined conception but also in taking the steps forward.

This idea of mine falls into three categories.

1. Adhering to the virtues most dear to me. I had a list at one point last year that was a mixture of Ancient Roman and Aesthetic virtues in two lists. One that was internal and the other for external relationships. I haven't been able to find a lot of the writings I did at the time. This  sounds really lazy of me but I haven't concerned myself lately with specific virtues but I have focused more on trying to be in general a better person, and behave in ways that I won't look back on and cringe.

2. Art, practicing art, not just one but several. Exercising the mind and to varying degrees the body is really important. I really think that having a passion, a hobby, helps to make a person more well rounded. And the goal of cultivating these things isn't about gaining profit or notoriety, but to enrich one's own life, to have something to be proud of, to get a sense of accomplishment, and to share with beloved family and friends.

My arts are writing, dancing, jewelry making, and embroidery, along side some scholarly pursuits, I'd like to get back into studying some languages, continue my education, and look into other topics that interest me. I've been really enjoying Powered By Osteons lately. I took just one class on forensic anthropology but I still find it fascinating and something that I do enjoy reading about though I will never be an expert. 

3. Maintaining health, but more than that. It's also about using the body as a visible vehicle for presenting the inner glow which comes from being a good and worthwhile person. To present a manicured and refined appearance to the world. To walk the fine line between rejoicing in ones body and modesty.   I have things I don't like about my body, things I'd like to change, like weight I'd like to loose, but I don't feel any shame about this skin I was born into, so I don't to hide it but I don't want to just let it all hang out all the time either.

 I usually define modesty as self-respect shown through restraint. I am comfortable in my own skin so I don't feel like I need to show off all that I have to offer not just physically but mentally. I know that I am of a reasonable amount of intelligence so I don't feel like I have to really go out of my way to show the breadth of that intelligence in order to get people to like me.

And that's where I'm at right now, and I'm more or less fumbling blindly, taking little steps in each direction, now I know that there is no end goal, the closest thing to 'mission accomplished' is if I am to be so fortunate as these things become fully integrated into my life.

Before I go, I feel I should back track a bit. I want to clarify why I was picking a lock, with a bobby pin no less. My mother had locked the key for a cedar chest owned by my grandparents in the chest. So I took to the task with much stubbornness and some petitioning of Teramo for success. I managed to get very lucky because apparently most sane people leave bobby pins in the realm of Hollywood when it comes to picking a lock.

That's all from me now, time to finish watching Ghost Hunters International and get some sleep. I really love the stories of these places where they travel to.

Blessings,

Satiah

Fallow Times

I woke up this morning, too early if you ask me, but the birds were singing a whole symphony outside my window making sleep no longer an option. Rather than waste a lot of time on Facebook, which is the sort of meaningless thing I do when I don't want to get out of bed I chose to make my laziness more productive and actually look for and read things of interest. This morning I found two posts on the same topic, one that I haven't really heard much discussion about.

Satsekhem's Post on Fallow Times

Dver's Post on Fallow Times

I have noticed that often times there's not a lot of serious and honest talk about the dark parts and rough patches that all spiritual paths hit (or maybe I am looking in the wrong places). I know I've hit a lot of this mostly dealing with 1 and then exacerbated by 3 on Satsekhem's list:

1. Simply put, it’s the mundane overpowering the spiritual.
2. The gods are busy.
3. We want it so badly, we block ourselves.
4. It’s a test.
5. There’s a problem.

Though for me I lump 1 and 3 together and call it college. Now I find myself actually coming out of a fallow period brought about by working two jobs and doing a ton of running around on top of it. I find this the most dangerous time, for me at least, when the shoots are young and a single frost could ruin everything, albeit a frost of my own making.

I think right now I'm being tested, though I'll get into details once I pass through to the other side of it. Though this test isn't a true fallow period, it could become one, I am looking for advice and all I get is a sort of feeling akin to a gentle knowing smile and "I know you'll figure it out soon" attitude from the Lady in question. The thing is I seem to be looking in all the wrong places, but as I ponder through it now I get an image of a labyrinth, the walking kind. That might be a good idea....to find one and walk it. The Lady does like labyrinths. 

I knew one day this might come in handy.

So there are 6 in my area, three in churches, one is portable and borrowable by donation, one is a outdoor memorial at a Chatham University just down the road from Pitt, where I attended school, now near work, and another is by the Mon in Homestead, and looks gorgeous. Now it's simply a matter of finding time to go and walk one or the other to see what happens.

Well that's as much as I have for now, time to cuddle up and catch up on a tv show before I do more productive things (hopefully).

Blessings,

Satiah


 

Vernal Equinox 2012

And yet again another holiday catches me more or less off guard. I've been living a nomads life most of this month, spending more time at Wolfe's apartment, some overnight shifts at work, and a night or two in my own bed. Actually I think I've only spent one night in my own bed this month so far. All this running around between two jobs, which between the two add up to over 40 hours per week, packing, unpacking, and repacking has really made the days just blur together. I've never been very good with holiday calenders of any shape or variety, days get away from me, and some weeks feel like months and sometimes only like a day or two. This is why I like to write things down, (especially my work schedule) and I do have a festival calendar written down but it's on Groove at home, which was a silly place to put it as I never really look at Groove even when I have plenty of time at home.

It was 80 degrees today not really very spring like but our winter was blessedly mild, or nonexistent if you compare it to what parts of Europe got hit with. Today I had hoped, and still do, to spend some time to honor Tellus Mater and Sol Indiges, when I get out of my second shift of the day, in the presence of their physical manifestations. Nothing compares to the feeling of cool grass or earth beneath my feet and the warmth of the sun on my skin when it comes to honoring and celebrating the wonders of the two pillars of the natural world. The moon and the night are equally magical and wondrous but without the bounty of the earth and the sun who makes life and growth possible we would not be here.

Hail Most Eminent Mother

Maker of Mountains

Embracer of Oceans

Foundation of All Life

Hail Most Eminent Father

Giver of Day

Bringer of Growth

Ancestor of All Mankind

Today we celebrate

The Gift of Springtime

The Wonder of Rebirth

And give thanks to you

The Ancient Ones

Who in your turnings

Make it possible

Blessings,

Satiah

Making a Portable Altar

 I spend a decent chunk of my week with my boyfriend of many years at his place. Now when I'm away from home I still like to keep up with small devotionals so I don't feel like my spiritual and religious life stops the minute I walk out the door. I have a little pouch in my purse where I carry a small string of prayer beads and two stones I am particularly fond of. (One is a piece of moonstone that is a natural worry stone, the way it feels between my fingers and slowly warms as I hold it is very soothing.) Now when I would say prayers at my boyfriend's (let's call him Wolfe) I always felt a little uncomfortable, sort of like I was intruding. He has his own altars and his own ways and I fully embrace and respect that. I asked Wolfe a few weeks ago if I could set up a small altar of my own so to speak on the little set of wire baskets that serve as my dresser for clothes and other small things I either keep there or bring with me. Today he said ok, I could set it up as long as it followed what I had promised and his own rules. So while putting it together I thought I would blog about the process.

This altar isn't one dedicated to any of my deities but one for mediation and contemplation, which also means it can be put away when I'm not there. Logically then it needs to fit in a singular container.

Challenge #1 - Find a Container.

For what ever reason I like boxes, and containers, and I have a decent variety laying around. The trickiest part is finding one about the right size that isn't already full of stuff. Little wooden cigar box was my first thought but it's full of skeins of embroidery floss. But then I remembered the vintage French cookie tin they used to be in. I found it still in the closet and unused since my thread stash outgrew it. (Looks like this but mine doesn't have a hinge lid.) It's the prefect size.

Challenge 1 - Complete.

Challenge #2 - Keeping Stuff Safe

The only issue with this box is that it is made of tin, and while I'm still choosing all I want to put in it, I don't want stuff crashing around an making noise or worse yet breaking or getting damaged. Seems simple enough, a bit of fabric to wrap things up in and to double as an altar cloth when it's out. Now to dig through my drawer of scarves and bandannas. Thankfully that wasn't too hard, the scarf I was looking for was right on top, it's a small silk one that Wolfe bought me two or three years ago.

Challenge 2 - Complete

Challenge #3 - What to put in it.

I know for sure that I want a little Book of Shadows, a mini version that compiles some of my favorite prayers and meditations from my larger Book of Shadows and also culled from the various books in my library, and the Internet. I don't need rituals or anything, just those things that I sometimes find myself inspired to contemplate or recite when I'm over there. (It takes me a while to memorize and sometimes I feel more comfortable reading if I'm going to with something other than spontaneity.) I don't know if I have a tiny journal that will fit, if not  I can always make a scroll or something. Another element that I must add are stones, I like nature and when I started sticking my toes into the paganism pool I started with stones. I've always had a rock collection and I thought it would be discrete. I have a bag I'll have to dig through and see if I have any meditative faves to bring with. Now some of those like to roll around, so I have a little silver plate, (silver plate electroplated on steel to be correct) it fits in the box and it's not doing anything useful here so in it goes. The last piece is a visual element, I construct things visually, I work better with maps and calenders rather than just being asked what days I'm available or where to get to somewhere. I like images but images of deities isn't what the focus is here, I'll have to think on this. Well I'm going to go dig around and see what I can put together.

So I ended up sleeping on it and I ended up with a few of my favorite pieces, a Labdorite orb a large piece of Kyanite, and the most precious piece a Lapis Lazuli stone that originally sat on my primary altar for many years. (Thank you Anpu and Nebt-Het for letting me borrow it for this). The visual element hasn't been determined so this is a work in progress.

Challenge #3 - Complete

It's not quite complete but I want to work with it a few times before I start making revisions so to speak. This is primarily an exercise in space, place, and belonging. It's nice to have the familiar close at hand to help facilitate finding peace and tranquility in a place that isn't inherently ones own, the stuff is just a physical expression of that. A repository for the feelings and energies that I like to surround myself with during prayer and mediation.


Blessings,

Satiah