A World So Full Of Terror

Tonight I don't really have much specifically of religious import on my mind. I am more concerned about the violence that has sprouted up where I now work and once went to school. I am speaking of the Oakland campus for the University of Pittsburgh. So far as I am aware I have never been in any direct danger from any of it and for that I give thanks. I also pray for those who are not so fortuante, the victims of the WPIC shootings in Febuary. I used to work there and I sat helplessly at work watching it all unfold through the internet, praying for no one to get hurt and more specifically for those who I had known even in passing who might still work there. Sadly that was not the case as there were two dead and seven injured. One among the dead was the shooter and I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I am glad that the police acted with bravery and efficiency in preventing what could have been a total masacre. On the other I want to see him stand trial, to see justice done in a legal setting. Someone willing to throw their life away can do such unspeakable harm if they have no fear of reprisal since they'll be dead.

More recently there have been bomb threats, so many of them. Today alone five buildings have been targeted and needed to be evacuated. As far as I know no bombs have been found during any of the sweeps, but if these were just pranksters they would have been caught by now. There are rumors going around about more sinister fears, that maybe they are using the evacuations to comit theft. Or looking to flush out people in order to start shooting.  I pray every day that who ever is behind this is brought to justice and we can all get some peace and quiet. As quiet as Oakland ever gets.

I listen to the sirens of the police vehichles that drive past. It sends chills down my spine, and I wonder, 'what now?' I am here working, the lone staff member on shift, all night, it is my job to make sure that those who stay here feel safe, feel welcome, feel secure. For them I put on a brave face, and I wonder, 'what could I possibly do if the unthinkable which has been happening quite a lot lately happens here?'

I would be a fool and a liar to say I would act heroicly, that I would save the day and avert the danger. Having never started the imediate looming of death I can't even say that I would face it with dignity and serenity. The things that have been happening lately scare me more than getting stalked ever did. That was a private danger, which since so far as I knew I was the only target, it made it seem smaller, more managable, something that I perhaps could put an end to. Which I did with help, and now I look back and chuckle at my fear. It seems like a lame indie horror film to me now, and while I know why I was so scared then, I feel stronger having gone through it. But that was when the fear was about small dangers, small violences. These days violence looms large, casting a pall over many, and that's something I don't think I can conquer if it comes knocking at my door. If it reaches out to touch me, could I fend off it's grasping claws?

All I can really do is pray, that I will never have to learn the answers to those questions, how I would deal with such grave dangers should they ever come knocking at my door, and that when my time does come regardless of the means that I will face it with the serene dignity from one who knows:

'Life and Death are but two sides of the same coin. No matter which side I am on, the Gods will be there, to guide and teach, bastions of many blessings for both living and dead.'

Some Thoughts

I'm anxiously awaiting some books I ordered off Amazon over a week ago. It was supposed to arrive today but the package has been sitting in a depot stop 45 minutes away for three days. Really I would have gone and gotten it myself and saved them the trouble. (Perhaps I used up my good luck with Teramo in picking that lock.) I don't know why I am so antsy about this package, but I am antsy about a lot of things right now. I'm looking to change several things in my life for the better or so I hope. I think I'm fixating on this small hiccup so I don't worry about bigger things that I don't exactly have a lot of control over. 

I mentioned that I was being tested last time, and I think I'm on the other side and successful. I don't have a lot I can articulate about my experience I am still processing it, but I feel like I've gotten to know the Lady a good bit better. I probably should have mentioned this before but when I mean the Lady I am speaking of a specific goddess and for what ever reason I don't feel comfortable using her name in this blog or even speaking it. It's weird. I can use it when talking about things like a book,a devotional anthology related to her, or when discussing in a more accademic way but when it comes to refering to Her in a religious sense and naming her I get tongue tied. I probably should ask about this.
One of the things I've been concerned with was the concepts of womanhood in a modern pagan context. I haven't had a lot of success in finding discussion on  this topic that didn't in some way relate to marriage, children, or home life in some way. Not that I've tried nearly as hard as I could. I admire these women and their experiences. Sadly my life doesn't fall into any of these categories. I am unwed, childless (unless you count the family cat), and the home I reside in belongs to my parents. At the age of 25 I feel like girlhood is far behind me, and yet I don't quiet feel like a woman. I do have a rough vision of womanhood for myself and what that means for me but it is daunting to me in developing not just a more refined conception but also in taking the steps forward.

This idea of mine falls into three categories.

1. Adhering to the virtues most dear to me. I had a list at one point last year that was a mixture of Ancient Roman and Aesthetic virtues in two lists. One that was internal and the other for external relationships. I haven't been able to find a lot of the writings I did at the time. This  sounds really lazy of me but I haven't concerned myself lately with specific virtues but I have focused more on trying to be in general a better person, and behave in ways that I won't look back on and cringe.

2. Art, practicing art, not just one but several. Exercising the mind and to varying degrees the body is really important. I really think that having a passion, a hobby, helps to make a person more well rounded. And the goal of cultivating these things isn't about gaining profit or notoriety, but to enrich one's own life, to have something to be proud of, to get a sense of accomplishment, and to share with beloved family and friends.

My arts are writing, dancing, jewelry making, and embroidery, along side some scholarly pursuits, I'd like to get back into studying some languages, continue my education, and look into other topics that interest me. I've been really enjoying Powered By Osteons lately. I took just one class on forensic anthropology but I still find it fascinating and something that I do enjoy reading about though I will never be an expert. 

3. Maintaining health, but more than that. It's also about using the body as a visible vehicle for presenting the inner glow which comes from being a good and worthwhile person. To present a manicured and refined appearance to the world. To walk the fine line between rejoicing in ones body and modesty.   I have things I don't like about my body, things I'd like to change, like weight I'd like to loose, but I don't feel any shame about this skin I was born into, so I don't to hide it but I don't want to just let it all hang out all the time either.

 I usually define modesty as self-respect shown through restraint. I am comfortable in my own skin so I don't feel like I need to show off all that I have to offer not just physically but mentally. I know that I am of a reasonable amount of intelligence so I don't feel like I have to really go out of my way to show the breadth of that intelligence in order to get people to like me.

And that's where I'm at right now, and I'm more or less fumbling blindly, taking little steps in each direction, now I know that there is no end goal, the closest thing to 'mission accomplished' is if I am to be so fortunate as these things become fully integrated into my life.

Before I go, I feel I should back track a bit. I want to clarify why I was picking a lock, with a bobby pin no less. My mother had locked the key for a cedar chest owned by my grandparents in the chest. So I took to the task with much stubbornness and some petitioning of Teramo for success. I managed to get very lucky because apparently most sane people leave bobby pins in the realm of Hollywood when it comes to picking a lock.

That's all from me now, time to finish watching Ghost Hunters International and get some sleep. I really love the stories of these places where they travel to.

Blessings,

Satiah